My Daily Poison

By Lucas Giermann

Today I felt guilty. It’s a feeling I’m quite accustomed to by now, so I wasn’t surprised when that slow, incessant needling began in the back of my mind. I finished my breakfast, brushed my teeth, and took a shower. I folded the laundry, checked my emails, applied for a job, and finished with the dishes. And there, through all of it, was that unwelcome—yet overly familiar—guest. Guilt.

You’re not doing enough. YOU aren’t enough.

Sound familiar?

Like many of my fellow professionals, the ongoing pressures COVID-19 has dealt to our society can be felt directly. I lost my job because of it; I’ve fared better than many. It’s important for me to stress that fact. Even after being laid off, struggling with financial uncertainty, health scares, bouts of insomnia, emotional exhaustion, strained relations with friends and family, and no shortage of shakiness to my spiritual life, I have to count myself fortunate. For most of us, this year has been a long soak in a bathtub full of broken glass. But in spite of that fact, I find myself echoing the same sentiment as so many others: you’re doing alright. You should do more with this time. BE more with this time.

And you know what I have discovered through my not-so-inconsiderate number of sleepless nights and anxiety-laced hours at job hunting? This productivity obsession is toxic. From one end to the other. With this frame of mind, I effectively crippled myself by minimizing my own hurdles—real obstacles and problems to negotiate—and convinced myself that these weren’t genuine issues or concerns. I’ve spent hundreds of hours at home, and seemingly no amount of cleaning, writing, or job hunting was enough to show for it. What did this mean for me? I was spiraling, and I didn’t even know it.

Don’t get me wrong, action and moxie are important. They matter. Self-pity is not a healthy state in which to linger. That being said, it’s equally important that we’re able to take a step back, especially in times of shared crisis, and honestly assess our own circumstances. There really is a lot of uncertainty right now. It is stressful. It is scary. And it’s okay to admit that.

Some of you may have already realized this. Or perhaps you aren’t all that worried about the state of the world right now. That’s alright. This isn’t for you, then. If you’re like me, however, you’ve been struggling with the self-made expectation to thrive in an altogether unforgiving climate. Truth be told: right now, maybe you’re asking too much of yourself.

Productivity will come. Inspiration will come. But it’s imperative to recognize that there may be far more weighing on you or a loved one than either of you is admitting. Blanketing your own achievements, progress, or daily accomplishments (no matter how small) with guilt can shroud very real problems or anxieties.

This glass-shard bath of a year won’t last forever. In the meantime, do what you can. Clean, cook, create. And don’t blame yourself when you get cut. You owe yourself that much.